Diary of a Mad, Small-Breasted Woman

April 26, 2010   Jenny Rain   19 Comments
posted by: Jenny Rain

So, two events coincided with one another this past weekend to make me feel really shitty about my body.  The first was that I found out that Kate Hudson got a boob job. The second was that I attended a pool party yesterday, which made me feel like I needed to get a boob job.  While Kate Hudson saddened me, the pool party maddened me, almost to the point where I was ready to rip the sky-high stripper stilettos off of one of the many female party-goers and puncture their fake, tanned boobs until every last drop of sillycone seeped out.

It isn’t that I have low self-esteem.  Far from it.  I have really high self esteem because it’s taken me years after leaving high school to realize that I’m beautiful.  I can say I’m beautiful partly because I made the effort to  pretty myself up by studying up on fashion trends and making/saving enough money to buy myself a enviable wardrobe to escape the Catholic-school-girl-meets-queen-of-the-Asian-dorks  image I used to exude.  Yeah, it took a lot of watching episodes of What Not to Wear to get me to this point.  But I’m here.  I have style.  I have a great face.  I wear a size 2.  And I think I’m beautiful.  And yet…

When I go to a pool party filled with perfect, size 0 bodies with spray-on tans, long blonde hair, long blonde legs, 10-inch booty-shaping stilettos and perfectly round C and D cups, I can’t help but feel completely fugly.  I mean wouldn’t you?  Picture your tiny Asian body, sitting by the pool, wearing a stupid red-and-white checkered blouse (to cover your tiny A cups) and high-waisted denim shorts (who the hell thought that was a good idea??) and flat gladiator sandals (which only make you look even shorter), refusing to take off your blouse and get in the pool.  And it’s not that I have low self-esteem—overall.  It’s just that I had situational low self-esteem at that moment.  But, can you really blame me for it?

This is what, I imagine, happens to a lot of people when confronted with a stark comparison between their own body image and that of those around them.  We think we’re fabulous, and then we realize that there’s this whole other level of fabulousness that we can’t even begin to aspire to.  This is what I believe happens to people like Kate Gosselin, who used to wear short hair, skorts and mom jeans and now wears hair extensions, fake eyelashes and cleavage-bearing dresses on Dancing with the Stars.  It’s the Hollywood effect.  It’s what happens to Heidi Montag and Kate Hudson—two perfectly, naturally beautiful women—who eventually caved to the pressure to be even more perfect, whether externally imposed or self-imposed.

Upon arriving to the pool party, I had become 98% convinced that I needed to get a boob job.  After all, Kate Hudson had done it.  Friends on mine had done it.  Sure, it was expensive, but I paid thousands of dollars to get my eyes corrected and didn’t have to get it done.  What was the difference, anyway?  Then I realized that the difference was that my eye surgery gave me a function I never had before: the ability to see clearly and not be blind as a bat.  It was a correction to something defective.  I started thinking about my little breasts in this way, as something defective that needed to be corrected.  (This is what I believe Heidi Montag and Kate Hudson must have thought.)  What was so defective about my A cups?  What did I need them to do that they couldn’t do previously?  The answer?  ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

Biologically speaking, the function of any woman’s breasts is to shoot out a bunch of milk which can be fed to her offspring.  And since EVERY woman has the ability to breast feed, as an aftereffect of having a baby, the size of my breasts don’t affect that ability at all.  What other function could there be?  Would having fake boobs make sex more pleasurable?  For the guy maybe, but not for me.  In fact, I’d probably lose a lot of feeling in my nerves, and why would I want that?  Would having bigger boobs help me succeed in life?  Not unless I choose to become a stripper.  Would having bigger boobs make me taller? No.  Would having bigger boobs make me famous? Not unless I became a porn star.  Would having bigger boobs make me groped in clubs?  Even more than I am already!

And that, in short, is what did it for me.  I DON’T want to be groped in clubs even more than I have been.  I DON’T want to be a stripper or a porn star.  I don’t want to be sexually objectified. I DO want to please my boyfriend.  But I can do that in other ways than having big boobs.  And if he doesn’t like it, he can get the hell out.  I don’t want the incessant back pain that my friend Giani (an organic size double-D) experiences daily.  I’ve never experienced how it feels to have sandbags on my chest, so why would I want to start now? I AM 100% HAPPY WITH THE BOOBS I HAVE NOW.  And unless you have BREAST CANCER, I feel sorry for you if you’re not happy with yours.  And I am NOT going to pat you on the back and say “more power to you” if you pay for yours.

Paying for new boobs is your choice, and I respect it.  It’s your choice to make.  But I don’t believe it empowers a woman.  Maybe that’s just because I don’t live in Hollywood and am not being offered boat loads of money and gigs by male casting agents and directors.  Who knows?    Anyway, I don’t need to look up to you, Kate Hudson.  There are 75 Celebrites with Small Boobs and Flat Chests That We Love, and probably even more.  You don’t make me angry, just sad.  What else makes me sad?  The fact that Victoria’s Secret never makes any of the cute bras in an A cup! GRR!!!  Doesn’t a single Asian person work for Victoria’s Secret who could rectify this??

Anyway, back to the party.  A few minutes before I left, I spied another Asian girl walking into the pool area, wearing cute silver kitten heels and a white, flowery sundress, with a guy on her arm.  She was flat-chested, like me, and stayed covered up with her sundress on.  She and I were the two most-clothed women at the party.  She and I were the only two Asian-American women.  She was talking to some guy who seemed really interested in what she had to say.  And unlike every other guy at the party, not ONCE did he turn to steal a glance at her chest.  All I have to say is that’s the kind of guy I’d like to marry, please.  And, rock on, sistah!  ;)

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  • jlie

    I wandered over here from one of my blogs. Enjoyed your post!

    Patriarchal norms are not our norms. Blond norms are not our norms. F* em. <3 I'm surprised that you aren't calling it out more clearly, the racism and sexism present in our current day image of beauty.

  • jlie

    Oh, and on bras. Don’t worry about V.Secret, I mean, who wants to wear underwire and why are all V.Secret bras so nipple fearing? What kind of stupid norm is that?

    Anyway, here’s a few great brands for small breasts:
    Timpa (~30$)
    Petit Bateau (~30$)
    Araks (~100)
    VPL (~70+)
    The Lake & Stars (~80+)
    Jenna Leigh (~80)
    Lonely Hearts (60+)

    Sites:
    lulalu.com
    lilleboutique.com
    store.azaleasnyc.com/smallcup.html
    journelle.com/shop/bras/wireless-bras/

  • Jenny Rain

    @jlie

    Thanks for reading and for the bra suggestions. I definitely believe that womens’ present-day image of beauty is codified by both racism and sexism. But does anyone believe that anymore? Present-day media, movies, commercials, TV shows, ads, etc. would have you believe that doing something like getting a boob job is a form of empowerment for women. Female celebrities believe it, tout it and like to exalt it to future female generations. It’s obviously a by-product of “female chauvinism” but how do we fix that sort of thinking? It seems that modern culture can’t escape it, and that modern women can’t seem to think of themselves and their bodies in any other way. In any case, thank you for bringing up a very apropos point and I hope you continue reading!

  • Giani

    Girl you taught me about style!
    Thanks for the shout out haha and just FYI Victoria Secret doesn’t make anything above small banded D cups either.

  • Jenny Rain

    @Giani

    I guess I need to stop shopping there. You and me both. Hah! Nice to see you on here!

  • Nayoung

    You imply that getting breast implants means you are conforming to society and falling for the pressures of what Hollywood says is beautiful. And you say it like it’s something horrible.

    I am a Korean female with breast implants. Without my implants, I’m still an attractive girl, but I got them because I felt I would be more attractive with them. I feel my clothes fit the way I want them too.

    What makes certain clothes enviable/trendy and what makes big breasts popular is the same thing. It is what our current society says is beautiful and attractive. When a person spends thousands of dollars on designer accessories and clothes, it’s because they want to be fashionable/trendy/pretty. But when a person spends several thousand dollars to enhance their boobs (or any part of their body), it means they have low self-esteem, are sexually objectifying themselves, or merely following the “crowd”?

    The reasoning is all the same, the only difference is the amount of money and risk you’re willing to take to achieve what you think is attractive.
    If you’ve been taking advice from “what not to wear”, you’ve been following the definition of attractive as society see’s it. Following the fashion and beauty rules our society has set out. Is that really so bad? Who defines what it means to look like a nerd or a fashionista? None other than your fellow peers who make up society.

    You might say how surgery is in a completely different level from buying trendy clothes because of the dangers involved. If you do think that, I want to point out there are unnecessary risks we put ourselves in everyday. When you drive over the highway speed limit, you put yourself in greater danger of a serious crash. Have you ever texted or used your phone while driving? When you drink alcohol, you put yourself at all kinds of possible risks. Have you ever driven after you’ve had more than 1 drink? When you eat bad fast food for extended periods of time and neglect your work out, you are one step closer to metabolic syndrome. If you’re worried about someone prematurely dying, there are plenty more ways to prevent that from happening. All those things are risks a lot of people put themselves in for no really good reason. I’m not saying it’s a good thing, but I’m just saying that it happens all the time because of whatever benefit there is from doing it.

    A lot of people make it seem as though Kate Hudson went over to the dark side by getting her boobs done. They’re saddened or disappointed she decided her flat chest wasn’t an asset. People think she’s lost her individuality, like her boobs were the only thing that made her special. I’m assuming this, but I doubt Kate Hudson would want someone to look up to her only because her flat chest.

    What I’m trying to say is, you’re no different from me or Kate Hudson. You’re just as guilty of following the crowd and conforming to the norms when it comes to beauty. And I’m saying there is nothing wrong with that. It maddens you that you feel pressured to have bigger boobs and that Kate Hudson gave into those pressures? Do you not give into the pressures of society every day? Society tells you what is currently popular/attractive, but by no means does it mean you have to think the exact same thing. Nor does it mean everyone else has to decide the same as you. It is in those little decisions that give different people different styles.

    I just don’t get why people make such a deal out of plastic surgery. I think it’d be a lie if somebody says they don’t want to try to be more attractive. Everyone wants to be attractive in their own ways. While society might heavily influence what “attractive” is, it doesn’t mean anything different is not. According to the Korean society, I should probably get double eyelid surgery, shave my jaw line, and lose about 10 pounds. But I love my single eyelids, firm jaw line, and body just fine. I might borrow a lot from what society defines as attractive, but I ultimately define my own rules. I pull together what I like and make it mine.

    I’m 100% happy with the boobs I have now too. I’m not a stripper or a porn star or a single girl trying to seduce boys with my bigger breasts. My boyfriend loves me the same before/after implants. You have no need to feel sorry that I didn’t like my smaller breasts, and I also wasn’t looking for a pat on the back from you or anyone else. Did it empower me as a woman? It empowered me in the same way I’m empowered by how I choose to coordinate my hair, makeup, and clothes. It’s not you that gets to decide if it empowers a woman. It’s the woman herself that decides that. You can only decide for yourself.

    You tell me you respect my decision, and at the same time you say you feel sorry for me- because surely I don’t have breast cancer. I hope next time you go to a pool full of big breasted girls, you don’t feel a need to hide underneath your clothes because that is what would be sad.

    I apologize – I didn’t mean to write such a long essay. I don’t think you meant anyone to take it so personally, but I couldn’t help telling you my thoughts.

  • Jenny Rain

    @Nayoung

    “I feel my clothes fit the way I want them to.” That was the only real argument for getting breast implants that you gave, apart from saying that it’s OK to follow what society dictates as “beautiful” and that getting a boob job is simply a more expensive alternative to buying trendy clothes. What I tried to say was that I DON’T think a woman should have to follow social norms of beauty (which, incidentally, are dictated by the 2% of model-perfect bodies in America), and I DON’T think that “fitting into your clothes” justifies spending thousands of dollars to enhance your body. When I go to Asia, I can fit the trendy tops they sell in stores just fine. Why? Because they have different norms there. Maybe instead of trying to fit into someone else’s clothes, we should ask ourselves whose notion of beauty we’re aspiring to and where our decision to surgically enhance our bodies really comes from.

    I’m also well aware that Kate Hudson probably doesn’t give a rat’s ass about who looks up to her. It’s not that she somehow lost her individuality because she no longer has a flat chest. It’s that prior to her surgery, she was already considered to be one of the most beautiful celebrities in America. I’m disappointed in her decision, but that doesn’t in any way affect my own level of self-esteem.

    I do respect your decision, but perhaps I came off as dismissive. I apologize. I mean to say that even though I respect your decision, I am still disappointed by it. That doesn’t mean I take the decisions of scores of American women personally. It just means that I can’t help but feel that small-chested woman are a slowly dying breed, which makes me rather sad.

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this blog and providing a counterpoint. Many women are of the same opinion, I’m sure.

  • Marty Boy

    I just don’t understand why you are so caught up with boobs?

    You probably spend thousands of dollars per year on hair, makeup, clothes, etc…. but BOOBS, NO! CAN’T TOUCH THE BOOBS.

    I’m a guy, and personally I’m 100% fine with small boobs. Most guys I know think this way as well. I think guys drooling over big breasts is some weird 1980s American stereotype that girls seem to perpetuate in their mind, while most guys really don’t care.

  • Jenny Rain

    @Marty Boy

    I’m “caught up with boobs” because society is.

    I do probably spend thousands a year on clothes and makeup. Not arguing that.

    Glad you’re 100% fine with small boobs. Wish there were more guys like you out there. But, where are the “most guys?” Most guys I know have been to a strip club at least once in their life. Most guys I know say that they’re fine with small boobs “as long as….” Most guys I know think most women buy their bras from Victoria’s Secret. Most guys secretly look at the Victoria’s Secret catalog. If this is the stereotype, I don’t see any evidence of it going away any time soon.

  • Massi

    I’m a straight guy, and I definitely prefer small boobs. I know that many of my straight male friends do too. I understand how the grass might always be greener on the other side, but I’m grateful that there are all types of people for all types of tastes, and in my mind, women with small boobs should have absolutely no reason to feel insecure.

  • Fembot44

    “I DO want to please my boyfriend.”: Which makes you a lot more sexier than a girl with a boob job. It takes all kinds. I know of one guy, who likes bad posture ( yea ERIC! I remembered! ) I am a straight guy who likes small boobs, and NO MAKEUP! Cute and sexy are things that live inside a woman. If lipstick makes you feel sexy RIGHT ON! ( why does the first girl in your picture look hotter than the second with lipstick? )

  • http://diaryofagolddigger.blogspot.com/ The gold digger

    My experience trying to find a decent A-cup bra: http://bestofcf.blogspot.com/2009/08/buying-bras.html

    She left and returned with a 36AA. It fit. Which was really really depressing. But life is what it is. “How much?” I asked. It was $36. $36!! “Holy smoke,” I said. “That’s a little more than I wanted to spend. Do you have any cheaper models?”

    “No,” she said. “This is the only 36AA in the store.” Which was even more depressing. A store crammed full of about a gajillion bras and they have exactly one that fits me.

  • http://diaryofagolddigger.blogspot.com/ The gold digger

    PS My husband is an ass man, not a boob man. He is perfectly happy with my body as it is. And seeing what has happened to my larger-bosomed friends as they age, I am happy, too!

  • strawberry

    i think that america is just putting focus on womens body so much that its like we r a product competing for best sells or rates ! like look who has bigger boobs or fatter lips or whatever…what happened to look who has a sharper mind a good digree or what the heck?!! what happened to which woman is a better mother ??! i think the women sadly has become a show ur body and ill rate you object. every woman is waiting to know what she can CHANGE in her body to be “MORE PRETTY” which i think is sick.. men women teens and even children r being brainwashed to think about their looks 24 hours a day rather than their souls and abbilities ! im so grateful that i am raised and treated in my household as a special beutiful princess that her beuty is important inside as well as out!

  • Julie

    I am one of the proud A-cup crowd. Someone told me once a long time ago and I have clung to it ever since, about the “idiot sieve”. This is based on the fact that all boob men are not idiots, but all idiots are boob men. So my small but perfect boobs are my own idiot sieve. Works like a charm!

  • Jenny Rain

    @Julie

    “Idiot sieve”–LOVE IT. :)

  • Tony

    Hey girl! Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Hope you’re getting some good traffic from that NY Times article… I’m flat and proud (and Asian), just like you, and wanted to tell you: When I was breastfeeding, I had big boobs, and I don’t miss them one bit. It was great to get my regular body back. One day maybe you’ll have that experience too, and you can judge at that point which kind of chest you prefer. By the way, women who have had boob jobs can’t breastfeed… too bad for them…

  • random guy

    Actually I think her entire point was that her reasoning for getting her boobs done are the same as your reasoning for getting expensive clothing and accessories, and following her ideas, I’d have to agree.

    I believe that if say you are disappointed in her and other girls who do the same, then you should be equally disappointed at yourself for spending money on clothing, accessories, makeup, etc. In this regard I do think you have a double standard, just like much of society does. Ever think about why it’s perfectly normal to wear makeup all the time but not get a nose job or boob job? I’m not saying either is right, but at the same time I don’t think we should judge one as being better than the other either.

  • http://www.breastaugmentationguide.com/ Breast augmentation

    All women wants natural boobs. There are amount of celebrities who have small boobs and they are underwent surgeon’s knife for enhancement of breast.. Heidi and NeNe famous about her cosmetic surgeries.